Sometimes I would like to just lay on the grass and look up at the sky. Just let the minutes tick away. For a small moment in time all my demons and issues are paused and I can remember a clear mind. I used to have that once when I was like 4 I think. Did you ever watch a bug or a bird and try to think what it would be like to them. I would suck at being them. In constant fear that something bigger than me will hunt me down and eat me.
It's easier said than done when it comes to living a life without fear. I hope that when I die my daughter will never have to question my unconditional love for her. She has saved my life more times than she will ever realize. I hope that she will describe me as brave. Not like soldier brave, but broken woman that stood tall and started over brave.
I never thought I was good enough for anyone. And every shitty thing that has ever happened I wasn't surprised when it did. It was just a matter of time usually. I lost some weight and I really honestly felt so good. Walking to the bus stop or around the city having stupid boys stare at me. I know it's childish but it's a picker upper. Sometimes things happen and I find myself almost like a turtle. Back into the shell for protection. Poking out a bit every once in a while until I think it's alright. I fear that I am doomed into this fucking shell forever.
I'm an okay gal. I'm funny and pretty and I care about things most people don't care about. Like my horrible grandmother. And animals, I love animals so much. I would rather be surrounded by them than by people. People suck and they hurt you.
I always watch the busses come and go and there's just something in me that wants to get on one and just fucking go. I don't care where or how far. Just go. I am used to running away from shit my entire life. People deal with pain differently. Some people have a different definition of what pain is. I think feeling alone is painful. Not trusting anyone cuz you are usually proven right really sucks balls too.
The weather is getting warmer and I intend on finding a spot somewhere on the grass and turning off my brain. This stupid fucking brain of mine. I hate my brain soo much sometimes!!! Grrrrr !!! That is either not smart enough or just doesn't stop thinking and makes me absolutely insane. Truthfully I should've been admitted a long time ago. But it makes me funny. Or it makes other people laugh and that's alright with me. I like to make people laugh. I could use a laugh now. But I am in the mall so I can just stare at the stupid orange women with big hair and horrible makeup. There we go that's better :)
All I had to do was look up and there they are.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Holy Mary
Holy Mary Mother of God remember me? We used to be so close. I know its been a while since we have had one of our heart to hearts but its not like I haven't spoken to you at all. I have lost Faith in you though. I am very sad to admit that now. You were always there for me to talk to and cry to but I'm not sure what happened. Remember when we first met? In kindergarten of Regina Pacis in Brooklyn. I was showed a photo of you and was told that you were in fact my real mother. Which now to think of it does that me that me and Jesus are bro and sis? I remember thinking how beautiful you were and I went home and put a blue towel over my head and held out my arms just like you did in your photo. I said "look Daddy, I'm Mother Mary" well needless to say he didn't think it was cute or funny and the belt came off. Those crazy Italian Catholics just cant lighten up I guess.
I always carried you with me Mary. I would hear stories about you and draw pictures of you. And every time I sinned and did something bad all I had to do was say your prayer and poof I was forgiven. While everyone else was growing up and saying their prayers to Jesus I didn't want him I wanted you.You were a beautiful mom that cared so much about me that you would forgive me and understand what I was going through. Although I couldn't see you or feel your presence I always knew you were there. I knew that you would feel bad for me when my own mother didn't even see me in the room.
Remember when we moved to Jersey and I was going into public school where they didn't pray in class? What the fuck was that about I thought. When do we pray in this place? I would put my coat away in the closet I always took my rosaries out of my pocket and quickly kissed them before Mrs Tesa saw me. I prayed to you every night at the foot of my bed before I went to sleep. I think I stopped when I was around 12. I hated living in Staten Island I wanted to be in Brooklyn where I felt safe close to the church. You know the very place where the nuns beat the living hell out of us. What was I thinking?
I always had your pin or rosaries in my pocket growing up. But when things got really bad between me and mom I remember talking to you like I used to when I was little. All the nights I would sit at random train stations and freeze just because there was lights and benches to lay down on. All of that just so I wouldn't have to go home and see her. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of having me need her for anything. I didn't need to sleep in her friggin house I could sleep anywhere. After all the nights where was she? She didn't even come look for me. She didn't even care. I remember holding your pin and kissing it and asking you why couldn't she be like you. If you loved so many people and you were such a good mother to Jesus how come this woman cant love me that way too?
It was just me and you Mary. Nobody ever messed with me at the train stations cuz they thought I was nuts talking to myself.
You were there when it all became too much for me to handle.
You were there each time I had my little cutting moments in the bathroom. Cuz lets face it being stuck in a situation you thought was hopeless and you were in so much emotional pain the physical is much better to feel every once in a while. I have recently visited that place again just for a short moment when my woobie died. But this time you were not there nor did I talk to you while I did it. I know everyone is getting tired of seeing me cry over a dog. I can not express in words the pain my heart is in. There is not a day that goes by that I don't break down somewhere. His smell is fading off the pillow. I havent felt this alone in a long time. Its like everyones life is just continuing but Im just standing still.
Anywhooo I feel like I have abandoned you. I kinda feel guilty about it too. You were there when mom shouldve been saying things like "Hold your head up Stephanie and you'll go far" but instead was saying things like "I love you because I have to, but I don't like you at all". I spoke to you when Philly died and asked you take care of him and now my woobie. But I just don't believe in you like I used to. I question everything about my faith honestly I just don't believe anymore. I feel alone now and kind of stupid and betrayed even. I have had many many conversations about religion and I watched a bunch of stuff on tv that I would've never spoke about or watched before. I feel almost foolish. I just don't know anymore. Maybe one day I will connect with you the way we used to.
Until then I will just look over to my Lady Guadalupe picture every once in a while and give a smile.
I always carried you with me Mary. I would hear stories about you and draw pictures of you. And every time I sinned and did something bad all I had to do was say your prayer and poof I was forgiven. While everyone else was growing up and saying their prayers to Jesus I didn't want him I wanted you.You were a beautiful mom that cared so much about me that you would forgive me and understand what I was going through. Although I couldn't see you or feel your presence I always knew you were there. I knew that you would feel bad for me when my own mother didn't even see me in the room.
Remember when we moved to Jersey and I was going into public school where they didn't pray in class? What the fuck was that about I thought. When do we pray in this place? I would put my coat away in the closet I always took my rosaries out of my pocket and quickly kissed them before Mrs Tesa saw me. I prayed to you every night at the foot of my bed before I went to sleep. I think I stopped when I was around 12. I hated living in Staten Island I wanted to be in Brooklyn where I felt safe close to the church. You know the very place where the nuns beat the living hell out of us. What was I thinking?
I always had your pin or rosaries in my pocket growing up. But when things got really bad between me and mom I remember talking to you like I used to when I was little. All the nights I would sit at random train stations and freeze just because there was lights and benches to lay down on. All of that just so I wouldn't have to go home and see her. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of having me need her for anything. I didn't need to sleep in her friggin house I could sleep anywhere. After all the nights where was she? She didn't even come look for me. She didn't even care. I remember holding your pin and kissing it and asking you why couldn't she be like you. If you loved so many people and you were such a good mother to Jesus how come this woman cant love me that way too?
It was just me and you Mary. Nobody ever messed with me at the train stations cuz they thought I was nuts talking to myself.
You were there when it all became too much for me to handle.
You were there each time I had my little cutting moments in the bathroom. Cuz lets face it being stuck in a situation you thought was hopeless and you were in so much emotional pain the physical is much better to feel every once in a while. I have recently visited that place again just for a short moment when my woobie died. But this time you were not there nor did I talk to you while I did it. I know everyone is getting tired of seeing me cry over a dog. I can not express in words the pain my heart is in. There is not a day that goes by that I don't break down somewhere. His smell is fading off the pillow. I havent felt this alone in a long time. Its like everyones life is just continuing but Im just standing still.
Anywhooo I feel like I have abandoned you. I kinda feel guilty about it too. You were there when mom shouldve been saying things like "Hold your head up Stephanie and you'll go far" but instead was saying things like "I love you because I have to, but I don't like you at all". I spoke to you when Philly died and asked you take care of him and now my woobie. But I just don't believe in you like I used to. I question everything about my faith honestly I just don't believe anymore. I feel alone now and kind of stupid and betrayed even. I have had many many conversations about religion and I watched a bunch of stuff on tv that I would've never spoke about or watched before. I feel almost foolish. I just don't know anymore. Maybe one day I will connect with you the way we used to.
Until then I will just look over to my Lady Guadalupe picture every once in a while and give a smile.
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