Patch of grass wanted

Sometimes I would like to just lay on the grass and look up at the sky. Just let the minutes tick away. For a small moment in time all my demons and issues are paused and I can remember a clear mind. I used to have that once when I was like 4 I think. Did you ever watch a bug or a bird and try to think what it would be like to them. I would suck at being them. In constant fear that something bigger than me will hunt me down and eat me.

It's easier said than done when it comes to living a life without fear. I hope that when I die my daughter will never have to question my unconditional love for her. She has saved my life more times than she will ever realize. I hope that she will describe me as brave. Not like soldier brave, but broken woman that stood tall and started over brave.

I never thought I was good enough for anyone. And every shitty thing that has ever happened I wasn't surprised when it did. It was just a matter of time usually. I lost some weight and I really honestly felt so good. Walking to the bus stop or around the city having stupid boys stare at me. I know it's childish but it's a picker upper. Sometimes things happen and I find myself almost like a turtle. Back into the shell for protection. Poking out a bit every once in a while until I think it's alright. I fear that I am doomed into this fucking shell forever.

I'm an okay gal. I'm funny and pretty and I care about things most people don't care about. Like my horrible grandmother. And animals, I love animals so much. I would rather be surrounded by them than by people. People suck and they hurt you.

I always watch the busses come and go and there's just something in me that wants to get on one and just fucking go. I don't care where or how far. Just go. I am used to running away from shit my entire life. People deal with pain differently. Some people have a different definition of what pain is. I think feeling alone is painful. Not trusting anyone cuz you are usually proven right really sucks balls too.

The weather is getting warmer and I intend on finding a spot somewhere on the grass and turning off my brain. This stupid fucking brain of mine. I hate my brain soo much sometimes!!! Grrrrr !!! That is either not smart enough or just doesn't stop thinking and makes me absolutely insane. Truthfully I should've been admitted a long time ago. But it makes me funny. Or it makes other people laugh and that's alright with me. I like to make people laugh. I could use a laugh now. But I am in the mall so I can just stare at the stupid orange women with big hair and horrible makeup. There we go that's better :)
All I had to do was look up and there they are.